Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
