I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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