Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
