My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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