you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
