There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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