I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
