"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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