I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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