I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i was born a porn star she said
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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