....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
