I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Sober January is a disaster.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize