Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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