I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
