How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
