i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
