dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
