i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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