I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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