just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
