omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
