So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
