i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
