he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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