Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
