So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
