Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
