The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
