The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
