Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
