The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
