I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
