Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
