mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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