If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I licked your asshole in confidence.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
