is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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