you have to choose: penises or morals?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
