the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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