this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
