I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
