dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
