I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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