Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I believe in your delicious
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
