She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
