You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
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