I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
