Heybabeimwearingurpanties
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
