I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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