So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
