just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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