cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
