I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
