please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
