Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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