why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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