He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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