your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
