Everything about him screamed your future.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
